Ministering

Ministering

Talk given by Liz Kazandzhy on 8/19/18

Introduction

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Liz Kazandzhy. My husband Vlad is from Ukraine, and we have two daughters: Katya, who’s 2 years old, and Sophia, who’s 4 months old.

The topic of my talk today is ministering. It’s something we’ve been hearing a lot about in the Church recently, but I hope my remarks today will help us to better understand this important topic. I’ll be talking about three things: first, what ministering is; second, what gets in our way of doing this; and third, how children and youth can participate in ministering.

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What is ministering?

So what does “ministering” mean? If you look in the dictionary, it says simply that to minister means “to attend the needs of someone.” And since we all have different needs, and we’re all in different places, that means that there’s no “one-size-fits-all” ministering. Perhaps that’s one of the differences between the old way (home and visiting teaching) and the new way. Previously, you could fulfill your assignment by sharing a universal message once a month. Now, your message and your actions are based on the needs of those you minister to.

Also, needs are both spiritual and temporal. But as we read in D&C 29:34, the Lord says, “All things unto me are spiritual, and not at any time have I given unto you a law which was temporal.” So when you’re helping somebody with their temporal needs, you might not think that you’re making a huge impact spiritually, but most of the time you are.

As for how to minister, I’ve found that it can be done in two simple steps, both of which start with A. The first A is to be AWARE. Get to know those you minister to so you can actually discern their needs, be on the lookout to recognize the needs of others, and try to look outside of yourself more. The second A is to ACT. Being aware of needs won’t do any good if we don’t act to then fulfill those needs.

I recently experienced a great example of ministering based on these principles. A few months ago, my ministering sister, Sister Maughan, texted me and asked, “Hey, how’s everything going after having your baby?” and of course added the age-old question, “Is there anything you need?” I replied, “Things are going pretty well. I can’t think of anything right now, but I’ll let you know!” And then a little while later, she replied, “I’m hosting a play date at my house tomorrow. Could I take your girls for a couple hours?” And I thought, “YES! That is exactly what I need!” (Just so you know, if you ever want to serve a young mother… just take her children. Anywhere. For as long as you want.) I didn’t even realize that’s what I needed, but Sister Maughan was aware of my needs and acted with inspiration to fulfill them. My kids had a great time at her house, and I was able to get a lot of important things done during that time. Again, you might think that this was just temporal service, but it touched me in a very spiritual way because I felt loved and cared for. I felt valued that someone was willing to do that for me. Ultimately, I felt the love of God through Sister Maughan.

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What gets in our way of ministering?

So if we know what ministering is, what keeps us from doing it?

We’re too busy or we forget

I think one of the biggest reasons is that we’re too busy or just forget to do it. This has always been the bane of home and visiting teaching and now the ministering program.

If you’re having a hard time remembering to minister, I suggest you create reminders for yourself to keep them in your prayers and keep reaching out. After a while, you’ll probably find that you don’t even need the reminders anymore because those you minister to will just be a natural part of your life—your friends. And most people don’t need reminders to remember their friends. As for finding the time to minister, it’s true—it takes time. But like anything in the gospel, you’ll be blessed for doing it. I know that God will bless you in every other sphere of your life if you’ll make the time to minister to His children.

We don’t know what to do

Another reason we don’t minister is because we feel like we don’t know what to do. Something that helps me with this is the phrase “mysteries of God.” In the scriptures, we often read that the mysteries of God can be revealed to us. I used to think this meant deep gospel doctrine, like what we’re going to eat in heaven or things like that. But really, a mystery is anything you don’t know. It might be a mystery to you how you’re gonna get through school or provide for your family. It may be a mystery to you how to handle a difficult child. And in this case, it may be a mystery to you about how to get through to somebody you minister to.

Regarding this, there’s a wonderful promise found in Alma 26:22—“Yea, he that repenteth and exerciseth faith, and bringeth forth good works, and prayeth continually without ceasing—unto such it is given to know the mysteries of God; yea, unto such it shall be given to reveal things which never have been revealed; yea, and it shall be given unto such to bring thousands of souls to repentance, even as it has been given unto us to bring these our brethren to repentance.” I know that if we follow this counsel, God will bless us with personal revelation to know the needs of those we minister to and the ability to attend to those needs.

We’re afraid we’ll offend someone or do more harm than good

Another thing that stands in our way is the fear of giving offense or doing more harm than good. I have a quick story about this. When I was in college, there was a time when I felt like all my good intentions were being thwarted and just turning out really bad. It got to the point where I was actually scared of trying to help people. But then one day, when I was walking outside near the library, a guy had dropped a paper that started blowing away in the wind. I happened to be right in the path of the paper, so I stomped my foot down right on it, keeping it from blowing away. But in the few seconds it took for the guy to reach me and retrieve the paper, I started worrying and thought, “Oh no! What if this is some super important paper, and now I’ve ruined it by stepping on it with my dirty shoe?!” And right as the guy was reaching down to get it, I lifted my foot up because of my fears, and the paper again blew away in the wind. I watched as this poor guy chased it all across the courtyard, and I didn’t even see if he caught it or not.

I realized then that that’s what happens when we worry about how our service will be received: great opportunities just fly away from us. Please try not to let this happen. And trust me—if your heart is in the right place, you will do so much more good than harm.

We think the person has everything under control

Lastly, we might just think that the people we minister to have everything under control and that there’s nothing you need to do. You might look at some people, maybe ward or stake leaders or just the “spiritual giants” in your life, and think that they’re just amazing at everything and that their lives are perfect. Please… never think this. Nobody has everything under control. And if they do, it’s just for like 5 seconds, which is just long enough for them to take a picture and put it on Facebook.

I’ll give you an example of this. During my pregnancy, and a little bit after, I suffered from serious depression for the first time in my life. Very few people knew about it, and I got really good at putting on a mask that made it seem like everything was fine with me. But it wasn’t—it was horrible. There were probably a lot of people who looked at me and thought that everything was great. But I’m grateful for the people that didn’t assume that, the people who reached out and offered love, help, and much-needed friendship.

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How can children and youth get involved in ministering?

The last thing I want to talk about is how children and youth can get involved in ministering. As the Primary president, I get to see firsthand the goodness of children—the goodness of your children. One thing I love about kids is their willingness to serve. My two-year-old, Katya, absolutely loves to “help” around the house, like putting dishes away or even taking Sophia’s dirty diapers to the trash can. The other day she even “helped” wrap the vacuum cord back onto the side of the vacuum, and it looked like a total disaster (though a very cute disaster). Anyway, the point is—take advantage of that attribute while they’re young. Ministering ultimately starts in the home. Teach your children how to minister, point out when they’re ministering and express appreciation toward them, and help them feel and recognize the joy that comes from ministering. There are so many opportunities at home to be aware of the needs of your family members and act to fulfill them.

When kids start school, that opens another door for ministering. Children can be on the lookout for other kids who seem lonely, left out, or bullied, and they can be kind to them. If they’re good at a certain subject, they can help others with it. Again, teach them to strive to be aware of others and act to help them.

Children and youth can also minister at church. They can reach out to kids who don’t come very often. They can sit next to someone who is lonely or new. They can do something kind for their teachers. I love the example of our Primary children when we do “Scripture Chase,” a kind of race to find a selected scripture reference. There are many times when I’ve seen that those who find it quickly often turn to their neighbors to help them do the same.

Perhaps the most natural way to get children and youth involved in ministering is to just take them with you when you minister. The other day, the Tessems came to our house with their whole family and gave us fresh vegetables and delicious zucchini bread. You can write letters to people as a family, bake something together and take it to someone, visit the elderly or others as a family, and so much more.

A few months ago, I saw a homeless man outside of Target, and since I had some spare time and some spare change, I decided to help him. Katya was with me, so I parked the car, we walked up to him together, and then I handed Katya four quarters, one at a time, which she in turn gave the homeless man. It was so touching. I did that because I want my daughter to know that helping is important, that it brings joy, and that everyone deserves our love. As we minister with our children, they can have a significant impact on others, they will learn from our example, and they will know firsthand the joy that comes from ministering.

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Conclusion

I’d like to conclude with a story that happened just yesterday. I was with Katya over at the park by the mall. While she was playing, this little red-headed boy—probably about 6 years old—decided that Katya was like his new best friend. It started out as he rocked up and down on the see-saw with her, and then he said, “Hey, do you want to go down the slide?” So they went over to another area, and he climbed up a rope ladder, turned around, and then helped Katya up, telling her things like, “Wow, you’re doing so good! You’re so strong!” and then lifted her up when she was near the top. Then they went down the slide together. After doing that a few times, he asked, “Do you want to go around the merry-go-round?” So he stopped the merry-go-round that had a few kids on it, helped Katya onto it, and then pushed it around.

This whole time, I was just sitting off to the side, smiling. I felt so much joy, and I felt tremendous gratitude for this boy who, for really no reason at all, took it upon himself to play with and take care of my little girl. And as I sat there, I realized, “This is exactly how Heavenly Father feels when we minister to one another.” He is filled with joy and gratitude toward us for taking care of His children. I hope that we will all strive to more fully minister to one another as we make our way through this mortal journey, and I know that we will be blessed for doing so.

Depression: Behind the Scenes

I've known about depression for a long time. I studied it in college, and I've had friends and family who have struggled it. But it wasn't until recently that I actually came to know depression, because it hit me too.

My Story

In August 2017, I became pregnant with my second child. For the first few months, the pregnancy progressed just like my first, with morning sickness that I learned to control with constant snacking. But after that, things started going haywire emotionally. What I thought were just typical pregnancy mood swings became more frequent and intense. Instead of being happy and pleasant like I usually am, I would cycle between being angry, sad, and emotionally numb. Instead of being resilient to setbacks, it seemed like even the littlest things could get me down.

I didn't write much in my journal during this time, but the few entries I did write are enlightening, like this one:

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Last Saturday was possibly the worst day I’ve ever had, certainly my worst day as a wife and a mother. I feel like there’s something broken, or breaking, inside of my brain sometimes.  Not all the time (I’m feeling okay at this very moment), but it happens, and it’s happening more and more often.  I feel tense and on edge, I’m quick to worry or blow up, and my mood swings are out of control. I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t know what to do about it.  I’m trying to turn to God, but this all is making me feel more distant from Him as if I can’t “get through” to Him when I need.

It took me a long time to realize that what I was feeling was depression (specifically antepartum depression). That realization was comforting in and of itself, because at least I knew what was going on! But unfortunately, discovering you have an illness doesn't magically cure it.

When I first told my doctor about my depression, he asked what I wanted to do about it. I was unsure and replied, "Maybe I'll just try the 'natural' ways to manage it." You know what I'm talking about -- exercising, getting enough sleep, eating well, getting lots of sunlight, using a light box, and so forth. I tried all those things, and they helped... a little. But it felt like throwing a bucket of water on a forest fire. I wanted to believe that I was strong enough to get over my depression by myself and these natural remedies, but I was wrong.

I considered taking medication, but I had so many concerns about finding the right kind, what the side effects would be, whether I would become dependent on it, etc. To make matters worse, I read things like, "Taking these medications when pregnant may cause problems X, Y, and Z in your baby." But then I also read things like, "Untreated depression during pregnancy can cause problems A, B, and C in your baby." And I thought, "Well that's just great... I can't win here."

I kept most of this to myself, or just between my husband and I, for a long time. I was afraid of people judging me or simply not understanding, and the depression/anxiety exacerbated those fears. When I finally did open up to others, it was first to those who I knew have struggled with the same thing. Slowly I developed the courage to tell others, and not surprisingly, they didn't respond with judgment or confusion but rather compassion and sympathy. And not even just sympathy, but many times empathy, because several of them have also had depression at some point in their life, and I didn't even know about it!

Through those conversations, my fears about taking medication dissipated. One person I talked to had also experienced antepartum depression, took an antidepressant that was highly effective and had no harmful side effects to herself or her baby, and later was able to get off of it just fine. I studied more about the medication (bupropion), prayed about it, and decided that's what I wanted to do. I called my doctor and he sent the prescription, and not a moment too soon. Because it worked.

It didn't take my depression away completely, but I noticed my depressive phases happening less and less often, with less intensity, and for shorter periods of time. I finally felt like myself again, and I wished I had started taking the medication months before. (It was February by this point, and everything had started back in October/November.) I finished my pregnancy with a lot of physical pain but not nearly as much emotional pain, and on April 9, I brought a beautiful, perfectly healthy baby into the world.

(By the way, this isn't to say that bupropion is a miracle drug that works for everyone. Medication affects different people in different ways, and from what I've heard, it can be a long and arduous journey to find the right medication when it comes to mental illness. And some people may not even need medication but rather therapy or other solutions.)

I'm currently in the postpartum phase, and I'm continuing to take the bupropion to combat postpartum depression. My plan is to taper off of them in a few months, and I hope things will finally go back to "normal" at that point.

Now that you know my story, I want to tell you about what depression is like for me.

What Depression is Like

I don't claim that these descriptions of depression fit everyone who has experienced it, but this is what it's like for me. If you've never had depression, this ought to give you some idea.

Positive and Negative

Imagine there's a part of your brain that's responsible for all your positive thoughts and feelings. It's what helps you be happy. It makes you hopeful for the future. It gives you the ability to see the silver lining even when things don't work out perfectly. It allows you to find great fulfillment from hobbies and relationships with loved ones. It cultivates love for self and others.

Now imagine there's a part of your brain that's responsible for all your negative thoughts and feelings. Anger, sorrow, impatience, shame, helplessness, hopelessness. Hatred. Fear. It can find the worst of any situation. It dwells on mistakes, causing you to ruminate on them. It's the voice telling you how stupid you are. It feeds on shame, making you feel like a mistake when you only made a mistake.

So you want to know what depression is like? It's like somebody flipped a switch in your brain and turned the positive part OFF, and then went to the negative part and put it into OVERDRIVE. And that is a horrible and frightening place to be.

Sink or Swim

Here's another analogy. Imagine you're on a small boat out in the ocean. You're enjoying the view, but occasionally a strung gust of wind or a storm knocks you out of the boat. This is rather unpleasant, but you quickly swim back to your boat, get in, and continue to enjoy the view. This is what a "bad day" is like in the life of someone without depression.

Now imagine again that you're on a small boat in the ocean. But this time, the boat has something wrong with it; it's damaged. Even a light breeze can cause you to topple over, or sometimes you fall out for seemingly no reason at all. But unlike the first scenario, this isn't just unpleasant, it's awful. Because you sink, and you sink far, and it feels like you're drowning. And when you finally manage to resurface and pull yourself back into the boat, you can hardly enjoy the view because you're so afraid of the next time you'll fall out, which is certainly going to be soon.

That is depression.

Not Depressed vs. Depressed

For those who don't do well with metaphors, here are a few specific things I've noticed about myself when not depressed versus depressed:

When I’m not depressed	When I’m depressed
I’m happy, kind, and excited about life	I’m angry, sad, irritable, and pessimistic
There are a ton of things that I enjoy doing, and I fill my day with them	I literally don’t want to do anything
I like to spend time with the people I love	I distance myself from the people I love, partly because I’m afraid I’ll say or do something hurtful
I have a very high tolerance for handling stress	Even the littlest thing—a simple mistake, an unkind word or disapproving glance, an unexpected setback—can cause me to emotionally plummet
Even when things aren’t working out, I can find something to look forward to in the future	I desperately search for something to look forward to—in a few hours, days, months, or even years—and come up empty
When faced with disappointment, I can find something positive about the situation	When faced with disappointment, I consider the whole thing (and myself) a failure and just want to give up
I like myself and understand my worth	I despise myself for real and perceived failures and talk to myself with words like “stupid” and “idiot”
I feel close to God when I pray, almost as if conversing with Him face to face	When I pray, it feels like there’s a barrier between God and I—sometimes just a curtain, sometimes a thick brick wall

I hope this helps somebody with depression to know they're not alone if they've felt anything similar. And I especially hope it helps people who have never experienced depression to understand what it's like. So when you hear about someone who has depression, hopefully you now have a clearer picture of what that actually means.

Takeaways

I've learned a lot through this struggle with depression. Here are some of the main things I've come away with:

• Most people who know me had no idea that I was going through all this. Since we usually don't know what others are going through, we should be kind, patient, and loving to everyone.
• If you are struggling with depression, know that you're not alone. However, you will likely feel that way until you open up to trusted friends and family who can offer you compassion and often empathy.
• If you're not struggling with depression, but someone comes to you who is, just know that it took a lot of courage for them to do so. Offer a nonjudgmental, listening ear, and brainstorm with them about how you could possibly help.
• Sometimes people think that depression is "all in your head." Well, what's actually in your head is your brain, which is a physical organ in your body. So when all else fails, don't be afraid to seek a physical solution to a physical problem.
• Lastly, don't take happiness for granted. It's easy to not pay much attention to the sun on a clear day. But when life is overcast and stormy, you become especially grateful for the small rays of sunlight that occasionally peek through the clouds. And I'm so grateful for all the people who have provided those rays of light through their love and kindness, even in seemingly small ways.