Depression: Behind the Scenes

I've known about depression for a long time. I studied it in college, and I've had friends and family who have struggled it. But it wasn't until recently that I actually came to know depression, because it hit me too.

My Story

In August 2017, I became pregnant with my second child. For the first few months, the pregnancy progressed just like my first, with morning sickness that I learned to control with constant snacking. But after that, things started going haywire emotionally. What I thought were just typical pregnancy mood swings became more frequent and intense. Instead of being happy and pleasant like I usually am, I would cycle between being angry, sad, and emotionally numb. Instead of being resilient to setbacks, it seemed like even the littlest things could get me down.

I didn't write much in my journal during this time, but the few entries I did write are enlightening, like this one:

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Last Saturday was possibly the worst day I’ve ever had, certainly my worst day as a wife and a mother. I feel like there’s something broken, or breaking, inside of my brain sometimes.  Not all the time (I’m feeling okay at this very moment), but it happens, and it’s happening more and more often.  I feel tense and on edge, I’m quick to worry or blow up, and my mood swings are out of control. I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t know what to do about it.  I’m trying to turn to God, but this all is making me feel more distant from Him as if I can’t “get through” to Him when I need.

It took me a long time to realize that what I was feeling was depression (specifically antepartum depression). That realization was comforting in and of itself, because at least I knew what was going on! But unfortunately, discovering you have an illness doesn't magically cure it.

When I first told my doctor about my depression, he asked what I wanted to do about it. I was unsure and replied, "Maybe I'll just try the 'natural' ways to manage it." You know what I'm talking about -- exercising, getting enough sleep, eating well, getting lots of sunlight, using a light box, and so forth. I tried all those things, and they helped... a little. But it felt like throwing a bucket of water on a forest fire. I wanted to believe that I was strong enough to get over my depression by myself and these natural remedies, but I was wrong.

I considered taking medication, but I had so many concerns about finding the right kind, what the side effects would be, whether I would become dependent on it, etc. To make matters worse, I read things like, "Taking these medications when pregnant may cause problems X, Y, and Z in your baby." But then I also read things like, "Untreated depression during pregnancy can cause problems A, B, and C in your baby." And I thought, "Well that's just great... I can't win here."

I kept most of this to myself, or just between my husband and I, for a long time. I was afraid of people judging me or simply not understanding, and the depression/anxiety exacerbated those fears. When I finally did open up to others, it was first to those who I knew have struggled with the same thing. Slowly I developed the courage to tell others, and not surprisingly, they didn't respond with judgment or confusion but rather compassion and sympathy. And not even just sympathy, but many times empathy, because several of them have also had depression at some point in their life, and I didn't even know about it!

Through those conversations, my fears about taking medication dissipated. One person I talked to had also experienced antepartum depression, took an antidepressant that was highly effective and had no harmful side effects to herself or her baby, and later was able to get off of it just fine. I studied more about the medication (bupropion), prayed about it, and decided that's what I wanted to do. I called my doctor and he sent the prescription, and not a moment too soon. Because it worked.

It didn't take my depression away completely, but I noticed my depressive phases happening less and less often, with less intensity, and for shorter periods of time. I finally felt like myself again, and I wished I had started taking the medication months before. (It was February by this point, and everything had started back in October/November.) I finished my pregnancy with a lot of physical pain but not nearly as much emotional pain, and on April 9, I brought a beautiful, perfectly healthy baby into the world.

(By the way, this isn't to say that bupropion is a miracle drug that works for everyone. Medication affects different people in different ways, and from what I've heard, it can be a long and arduous journey to find the right medication when it comes to mental illness. And some people may not even need medication but rather therapy or other solutions.)

I'm currently in the postpartum phase, and I'm continuing to take the bupropion to combat postpartum depression. My plan is to taper off of them in a few months, and I hope things will finally go back to "normal" at that point.

Now that you know my story, I want to tell you about what depression is like for me.

What Depression is Like

I don't claim that these descriptions of depression fit everyone who has experienced it, but this is what it's like for me. If you've never had depression, this ought to give you some idea.

Positive and Negative

Imagine there's a part of your brain that's responsible for all your positive thoughts and feelings. It's what helps you be happy. It makes you hopeful for the future. It gives you the ability to see the silver lining even when things don't work out perfectly. It allows you to find great fulfillment from hobbies and relationships with loved ones. It cultivates love for self and others.

Now imagine there's a part of your brain that's responsible for all your negative thoughts and feelings. Anger, sorrow, impatience, shame, helplessness, hopelessness. Hatred. Fear. It can find the worst of any situation. It dwells on mistakes, causing you to ruminate on them. It's the voice telling you how stupid you are. It feeds on shame, making you feel like a mistake when you only made a mistake.

So you want to know what depression is like? It's like somebody flipped a switch in your brain and turned the positive part OFF, and then went to the negative part and put it into OVERDRIVE. And that is a horrible and frightening place to be.

Sink or Swim

Here's another analogy. Imagine you're on a small boat out in the ocean. You're enjoying the view, but occasionally a strung gust of wind or a storm knocks you out of the boat. This is rather unpleasant, but you quickly swim back to your boat, get in, and continue to enjoy the view. This is what a "bad day" is like in the life of someone without depression.

Now imagine again that you're on a small boat in the ocean. But this time, the boat has something wrong with it; it's damaged. Even a light breeze can cause you to topple over, or sometimes you fall out for seemingly no reason at all. But unlike the first scenario, this isn't just unpleasant, it's awful. Because you sink, and you sink far, and it feels like you're drowning. And when you finally manage to resurface and pull yourself back into the boat, you can hardly enjoy the view because you're so afraid of the next time you'll fall out, which is certainly going to be soon.

That is depression.

Not Depressed vs. Depressed

For those who don't do well with metaphors, here are a few specific things I've noticed about myself when not depressed versus depressed:

When I’m not depressed	When I’m depressed
I’m happy, kind, and excited about life	I’m angry, sad, irritable, and pessimistic
There are a ton of things that I enjoy doing, and I fill my day with them	I literally don’t want to do anything
I like to spend time with the people I love	I distance myself from the people I love, partly because I’m afraid I’ll say or do something hurtful
I have a very high tolerance for handling stress	Even the littlest thing—a simple mistake, an unkind word or disapproving glance, an unexpected setback—can cause me to emotionally plummet
Even when things aren’t working out, I can find something to look forward to in the future	I desperately search for something to look forward to—in a few hours, days, months, or even years—and come up empty
When faced with disappointment, I can find something positive about the situation	When faced with disappointment, I consider the whole thing (and myself) a failure and just want to give up
I like myself and understand my worth	I despise myself for real and perceived failures and talk to myself with words like “stupid” and “idiot”
I feel close to God when I pray, almost as if conversing with Him face to face	When I pray, it feels like there’s a barrier between God and I—sometimes just a curtain, sometimes a thick brick wall

I hope this helps somebody with depression to know they're not alone if they've felt anything similar. And I especially hope it helps people who have never experienced depression to understand what it's like. So when you hear about someone who has depression, hopefully you now have a clearer picture of what that actually means.

Takeaways

I've learned a lot through this struggle with depression. Here are some of the main things I've come away with:

• Most people who know me had no idea that I was going through all this. Since we usually don't know what others are going through, we should be kind, patient, and loving to everyone.
• If you are struggling with depression, know that you're not alone. However, you will likely feel that way until you open up to trusted friends and family who can offer you compassion and often empathy.
• If you're not struggling with depression, but someone comes to you who is, just know that it took a lot of courage for them to do so. Offer a nonjudgmental, listening ear, and brainstorm with them about how you could possibly help.
• Sometimes people think that depression is "all in your head." Well, what's actually in your head is your brain, which is a physical organ in your body. So when all else fails, don't be afraid to seek a physical solution to a physical problem.
• Lastly, don't take happiness for granted. It's easy to not pay much attention to the sun on a clear day. But when life is overcast and stormy, you become especially grateful for the small rays of sunlight that occasionally peek through the clouds. And I'm so grateful for all the people who have provided those rays of light through their love and kindness, even in seemingly small ways.