The Kingdom of Heaven

The Kingdom of Heaven

Written by Liz Kazandzhy while serving a mission in Ukraine

The kingdom of heaven is like a pearl of great price

To a merchant man seeking such treasure,

Who, when he discovered its matchless beauty,

Went and sold all he had with pleasure.

From his home he collected his rubies;

From his shop, all his silver and gold;

From his yard, all the gems he had buried;

Now all with intent to be sold.

He went to his places of hiding

Where diamonds had laid for so long.

He remembered his favorite topaz—

So golden, translucent, and strong.

He gathered them all for the selling,

For he knew it would cost all he had.

Some who saw watched him with wonder

While others were sure he was mad.

Was it hard? Oh you can't imagine

The war that was waged in his soul!

But with every doubt he remembered

The image of one priceless pearl.

And when all was gathered and ready,

He went to the market to trade.

"All that you have in exchange for the pearl"—

With pleasure the bargain was made.

The kingdom of heaven is like the worth of a soul

To a missionary seeking to serve,

Who, when he discovered the grace of the Lord,

Put his life for two years on reserve.

At home he left friends and his family,

Took leave from employment and school.

He put away favorite hobbies,

All to become the Lord's tool.

While serving, he discovered his weakness,

Habits he'd held to for years,

Traits not entirely Christlike,

Like pride and doubt and fears.

He cast them off each one by one,

For he knew the Lord needed his all.

Many admired his service

While others thought he was a fool.

Was it hard? Oh how you can't imagine

The war that was waged in his soul!

But always the image he kept in his mind:

A child of God, saved and whole.

And when he had finished his mission,

He went to the Lord and heard,

"All of your might in exchange for your soul."

"But wait," he thought, "what was that word?

My own soul I never considered;

It was not for myself that I gave

My heart and my might, my mind and my strength,

So why is it I have been saved?"

And thus he discovered the secret,

The irony of this great labor:

You thrust in your sickle for others

Yet bring to yourself God's favor.

In teaching, you're filled with His knowledge;

In serving, you're filled with His love;

In daily fulfilling His work and His glory,

You're filled with His power from above.

Oh, the kingdom of heaven, what an honor to build

While the God of that kingdom builds you!

"All that I have in exchange for your will"—

Thus He blesses the faithful and true.

Reflection Questions

• How have you noticed God building you as you've striven to build His kingdom?
• In what ways have you been blessed by your sacrifices?
• What are some things you could "cast off" from your life right now in order to be closer to Heavenly Father and the Savior?

What If God Were Your Employer?

Since the beginning of the year, I've gotten really into the freelancing scene as an editor on Upwork.com. Throughout the day when I have downtime, I browse and apply to different jobs. And then in the evening, I work on the jobs that I get hired for. It was difficult starting out because I was competing with other freelancers with more experience on Upwork, but I persevered and was hired for a few small jobs. Because of positive client feedback, this has had a snowball effect, leading to many more jobs since.

There was a certain day when I was playing with my 2-year-old daughter Katya, and my mind was unfortunately more occupied on how to land my next contract on Upwork than on giving my full attention to her. But then I had a simple thought, surely from the Holy Ghost: "What if this—being a mother—was an Upwork job?"

Here I was, spending any time I could reading job descriptions, bidding for contracts, and performing each job to the very best of my ability, especially for the sake of getting positive feedback. And yet I also had a "job" right in front of me: being a mother to my daughter. And that got me thinking ... what if God were my employer? What would His job description be for my different roles? How am I doing in fulfilling them? And what feedback would He write about me and my work? Here are some things I came up with as I thought about these questions.

How would God write your "job description"?

All of us have different roles in our lives. Family roles could include spouse, parent, child, sibling, aunt/uncle, grandparent, etc. Professional roles differ depending on your field of work. Perhaps you're involved in other things, like pursuing an education or participating in service organizations. A calling at Church certainly counts as a role as well.

Try making a list of all of your roles: all of the "jobs" you're striving to perform and balance in your life. And then ask yourself for each of them, "What does God expect of me in this role?" In other words, how would God write each "job description"?

I think sometimes we get so caught up in our daily, mundane tasks that we forget to see the bigger picture. Am I changing diapers, cooking meals, and chasing kids around every day? Well yeah, but that's the how, not the what (and certainly not the why). What I'm really doing, or rather what I'm trying to do, is this:

Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.

Heavenly Father even goes on to share how we can be successful in our family roles:

Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.

Seeing your life's roles from a higher, more divine perspective can help keep you on the right track and motivate you in moving forward.

How can you communicate with Him about your "work"?

Upwork has a very convenient message system through which freelancers and clients can communicate. As I perform a job, I stay in close communication with my client to make sure I understand expectations and can ask questions when issues arise.

How can we communicate with God as we seek to perform His work? As the popular phrase goes, "When we want to speak to God, we pray. And when we want Him to speak to us, we search the scriptures; for His words are spoken through His prophets. He will then teach us as we listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit" (Robert D. Hales). It's important to do this every day since our lives are filled with questions that often only He can answer.

Through prayer, we can share our concerns with our Heavenly Father and ask specific questions about the issues we're facing in our various roles. We can also ask Him what He thinks about our lives, what's going well, and what we could improve. It's always a little scary to ask questions like this that make you vulnerable, but in my experience, it's so worth it.

After we've expressed our questions and concerns to God, He will respond to our prayers if we humbly and diligently seek answers. This revelation can come in a variety of ways: from the scriptures, general conference, and other Church resources certainly, but it could also be in the words of a song, an inspired Facebook post, or a conversation with a friend. It might just be your own thoughts and feelings as you take time to ponder these things.

One example of this happened to me last week. I was having a hard time with something, and on a drive to a friend's house, a song came on the radio with the lyrics, "Would you choose water over wine?" I have no idea the original meaning that Incubus intended for these lyrics, but for me, they were an answer to prayer. The question I heard instead was this: "Are you going to hold on to your hurt and let your pride keep you from progressing, or will you humble yourself and let the Savior transform that hurt into healing?" Why was I choosing water over wine, not allowing the Lord to miraculously change me?

This is just one example of personal revelation I've received. I know that the heavens are open to anyone who seeks God's approval and desires to communicate with Him. He knows how best to communicate with you specifically, and He will tell you everything you need to do in order to perform your tasks and live your life in the very best way possible.

What does God think of your "job performance"?

Have you ever asked Heavenly Father what He thinks about how you're fulfilling your various roles? I don't think this is something we're used to doing. Sure, we may pray often, thanking Heavenly Father for our blessings and requesting help for ourselves and others. But have you ever just flat out asked God what He thinks about you? Maybe there's a spiritually self-conscious part of us that is afraid of what He might say. After all, He sees the big picture and knows us perfectly, including all of our flaws.

Nonetheless, I invite you to try this. Pray to God and ask, "Heavenly Father... how do you feel about me? How do you think I'm doing as a [insert role here]?" I don't know what His answer will be, or how He'll manifest that to you, but I know one thing for sure: He loves you, no matter what. And He is eager to tell you that.

Also, if there are things you can improve, which surely is the case for all of us, He'll let you know gradually, with love, understanding, and patience. He's not some uncaring boss just looking for an excuse to call you out or fire you. He's the type of boss who understands that His workers are just as important as His work. In fact, we are His work: "For behold, this is [His] work and [His] glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of [all of us]" (Moses 1:39).

I hope that we can all strive to see our lives as God does, stay in close communication with Him, and eventually receive His glorious feedback, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy Lord." (Matthew 25:21)

Share your own thoughts

What do you think God expects of you in your various roles? How does thinking about this change the way you live your life? Feel free to share in the comments section!

Jesus Christ: 10 Illuminating Light Metaphors that Teach Us About the Light of the World

How is light a blessing in our lives? As I read John 1 this week, I thought about this question and how it relates to Jesus Christ, His character, and His mission. In John 1:9, the Savior is described as “the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world.” Here are ten examples of light that helped me better understand Jesus Christ.

1. The Sun - "Nothing is More Important"

I love the answer that pops up when you ask Google about the importance of the sun: “Nothing is more important to us on Earth than the Sun. Without the Sun's heat and light, the Earth would be a lifeless ball of ice-coated rock. The Sun warms our seas, stirs our atmosphere, generates our weather patterns, and gives energy to the growing green plants that provide the food and oxygen for life on Earth.”

I don't think it's a coincidence that the words sun and Son are homonyms. Nothing is more important to us than the Son. Without the Son's Atonement, our existence would be a hopeless mess because sin would permanently stain us and death would permanently kill us. The Son warms our hearts, stirs our consciences to do good, generates forgiveness from sin and resurrection from death, and gives us peace in a world that's in dire need of it.

The physical and mental health benefits of sunlight are tremendous. When I was struggling with depression, I would try to get as much sunlight as I could because I knew it would lift my mood. Whenever we go through dark times, we can also try to get as much of the Son's light through prayer, the scriptures, service, Priesthood blessings, uplifting music and videos, and so on.

2. House Lights - Helping Us Navigate Life

The next kind of lights we see and use the most are the lights in our homes. You might not appreciate them much until your electricity goes out and you're left to stumble around, tripping over junk that you forgot to put away. In short, these lights help you see things clearly to be able to navigate around your home quickly and safely.

All of us are trying to navigate our "earthly home" during this mortal life. By following Jesus Christ, we can do so successfully and joyfully. He can guide us in making important life decisions, and we won't stumble as much over things that lead to sorrow. And when we do stumble, He will light the way back for us. In essence, He will do exactly what "I am a Child of God" says:

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,

Help me find the way.

Teach me all that I must do

To live with [God] someday.

3. Night Lights - Calming our Fears

Many children need a night light to calm their fear of the dark. About this fear, one article says, "It’s not the darkness itself that’s frightening. It’s the fear of what the darkness masks." In other words, it's the fear of the unknown.

Our lives are full of unknowns. Will I ever get married? Will I be able to find a job? How can I heal my broken marriage? Will I be able to get through this devastating trial? Because of the light of Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost, God can give us revelation, helping us find the answers to the questions that burn in our hearts. And even if specific answers don't come, God can give you a deep assurance that everything is going to be okay.

Also, there are things that are unknown to many people but are made clear in the gospel of Jesus Christ, like "Where did I come from?" "What is my purpose in life?" and "Where will I go after this life?"

4. Porch Lights - Inviting Us Home

When I was a teenager and would come home late in the evening, my mom would always leave the porch light on for me. Maybe it was for safety (not tripping over anything) or maybe just for convenience (not having to search long to find the right key), but there was something deeper there. It was like a warm invitation to return home, a reminder that I was loved and cared for.

Jesus Christ is our constant reminder that Heavenly Father loves us and is watching out for us. God wants us to come home to Him, and He sent Jesus Christ so that this would be possible. For anyone who has strayed from Christ's teachings, or those who have never lived them, God's "porch light" is always on, inviting all of His children to repent and return to Him.

5. Christmas Lights - Bringing Beauty and Joy

Whenever my family puts up our Christmas tree and decorate it with lights, it immediately brings a wonderful spirit into our home. (In fact, we love it so much that we don't take down our tree until late January!) There's just something about the simply beauty of bright, colorful Christmas lights that warms the soul and brings peace and joy.

Jesus Christ has brought so much joy into my life. When I study about Him and strive to apply His teachings to my life, I'm just happier—every time. I'm a more pleasant person to be around. I feel at peace, even when things around me seem to be falling apart. And the more I focus on Jesus Christ, the more beauty I see in the world around me, especially in other people and even in myself.

6. Stoplights - Keeping Order in a Chaotic World

Have you ever been in a large intersection when the stoplights are broken? It can be total chaos! These lights keep order for us, and without them there would be all sorts of accidents and problems. Some people may find it annoying to get stuck at one red light after another, but I think we'd all agree that life with stoplights is much better than life without them.

Following Jesus Christ gives our lives order in an often chaotic world. There are so many competing voices in the world. Just look through this list of "loud, persistent, persuasive, and appealing voices" that President Faust mentioned:

• Murmuring voices that conjure up perceived injustices.
• Whining voices that abhor challenge and work.
• Seductive voices that offer sensual enticements.
• Soothing voices that lull us into carnal security.
• Intellectual voices that profess sophistication and superiority.
• Proud voices that rely on the arm of flesh.
• Flattering voices that puff us up with pride.
• Cynical voices that destroy hope.
• Entertaining voices that promote pleasure seeking.
• Commercial voices that tempt us to “spend money for that which is of no worth, [and our] labor for that which cannot satisfy.”
• Delirious voices that spawn the desire for a “high.”

Jesus Christ's voice, on the other hand, "inviteth and enticeth to do good continually" (Moroni 7:13). It leads us to peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come. Some may not like being "limited" by God's commandments, but as the popular Primary song goes, "in this there is safety and peace."

7. Car Lights - Enhancing our Relationships

Besides headlights that are vital to guiding us while driving in the dark, I've always appreciated other vehicle lights like blinkers and brake lights. These help us to communicate with one another as drivers because we know other driver's intentions. They can help us avoid dangerous situations with one another.

I feel like the gospel of Jesus Christ has helped me tremendously in developing and maintaining relationships with others. When I think about how much God forgives me, it makes it easier to forgive others. I pray for charity to have patience with my children and to see the best in the people around me. I find inspiration in the scriptures to help me control my temper. Love is the essence of the gospel, and I want it to be the essence of my life too.

8. Siren Lights - Providing Necessary Discipline

If you're like me, your heart skips a beat every time you see flashing blue and red lights behind you as you're driving. But as unpleasant as it is to get pulled over and be issued a ticket for breaking traffic rules, this is a necessary practice to preserve the safety of society.

God has certain laws (commandments), and breaking those laws (sinning) has certain consequences. This is necessary for both the physical and spiritual safety of everyone. So even though Jesus Christ is strict in His teachings, it's ultimately for the best and keeps you safe in so many ways. And when we do sin, we can repent and be forgiven through His Atonement.

9. Flashlights - There in Times of Need

When I think of flashlights, my first two thoughts are camping and blackouts. They provide us light when no other sources of light are available, and they can be absolutely vital in emergency situations.

Whenever we don't know what to do, or when nothing else seems to be working, we can turn to the Savior for help. He can give us the light that we desperately seek. This reminds me of the hymn “Where Can I Turn for Peace”:

1. Where can I turn for peace?

Where is my solace

When other sources cease to make me whole?

When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,

I draw myself apart, Searching my soul?

2. Where, when my aching grows,

Where, when I languish,

Where, in my need to know, where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand?

He, only One.

3. He answers privately,

Reaches my reaching

In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.

Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.

Constant he is and kind,

Love without end.

We don't have to wait for a spiritual or temporal emergency to seek the Savior. The sooner we reach out to Him, the sooner He can heal us, help us, and make us whole.

10. The Spotlight - Helping Us Focus on What Matters Most

In theatrical productions, the spotlight is used to focus the attention of the audience on the most important things happening on stage. If it weren’t for the spotlight, we could easily get distracted by everything else going on.

Likewise, Jesus Christ and His prophets help us stay focused on what matters most in life, like our families and serving others. They also help us to avoid distractions that eat away at our time and reduce the quality of our lives, like excessive technology use.

Elder Jack N. Gerard taught the following:

"We live in a world of information overload, dominated by ever-increasing distractions that make it more and more difficult to sort through the commotion of this life and focus on things of eternal worth. Our daily lives are bombarded with attention-grabbing headlines, served up by rapidly changing technologies.

"Unless we take the time to reflect, we may not realize the impact of this fast-paced environment on our daily lives and the choices we make. We may find our lives consumed with bursts of information packaged in memes, videos, and glaring headlines.

How do we rise above the distractions of this world and stay fixed on the vision of eternity before us? President Dallin H. Oaks counseled, 'We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families.'

May I suggest that the best things in this life are centered on Jesus Christ and understanding the eternal truths of who He is and who we are in our relationship with Him."

Other Lights?

Which of these lights resonated the most with you and why? How has Jesus Christ been a light in your life? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Ministering

Ministering

Talk given by Liz Kazandzhy on 8/19/18

Introduction

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Liz Kazandzhy. My husband Vlad is from Ukraine, and we have two daughters: Katya, who’s 2 years old, and Sophia, who’s 4 months old.

The topic of my talk today is ministering. It’s something we’ve been hearing a lot about in the Church recently, but I hope my remarks today will help us to better understand this important topic. I’ll be talking about three things: first, what ministering is; second, what gets in our way of doing this; and third, how children and youth can participate in ministering.

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What is ministering?

So what does “ministering” mean? If you look in the dictionary, it says simply that to minister means “to attend the needs of someone.” And since we all have different needs, and we’re all in different places, that means that there’s no “one-size-fits-all” ministering. Perhaps that’s one of the differences between the old way (home and visiting teaching) and the new way. Previously, you could fulfill your assignment by sharing a universal message once a month. Now, your message and your actions are based on the needs of those you minister to.

Also, needs are both spiritual and temporal. But as we read in D&C 29:34, the Lord says, “All things unto me are spiritual, and not at any time have I given unto you a law which was temporal.” So when you’re helping somebody with their temporal needs, you might not think that you’re making a huge impact spiritually, but most of the time you are.

As for how to minister, I’ve found that it can be done in two simple steps, both of which start with A. The first A is to be AWARE. Get to know those you minister to so you can actually discern their needs, be on the lookout to recognize the needs of others, and try to look outside of yourself more. The second A is to ACT. Being aware of needs won’t do any good if we don’t act to then fulfill those needs.

I recently experienced a great example of ministering based on these principles. A few months ago, my ministering sister, Sister Maughan, texted me and asked, “Hey, how’s everything going after having your baby?” and of course added the age-old question, “Is there anything you need?” I replied, “Things are going pretty well. I can’t think of anything right now, but I’ll let you know!” And then a little while later, she replied, “I’m hosting a play date at my house tomorrow. Could I take your girls for a couple hours?” And I thought, “YES! That is exactly what I need!” (Just so you know, if you ever want to serve a young mother… just take her children. Anywhere. For as long as you want.) I didn’t even realize that’s what I needed, but Sister Maughan was aware of my needs and acted with inspiration to fulfill them. My kids had a great time at her house, and I was able to get a lot of important things done during that time. Again, you might think that this was just temporal service, but it touched me in a very spiritual way because I felt loved and cared for. I felt valued that someone was willing to do that for me. Ultimately, I felt the love of God through Sister Maughan.

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What gets in our way of ministering?

So if we know what ministering is, what keeps us from doing it?

We’re too busy or we forget

I think one of the biggest reasons is that we’re too busy or just forget to do it. This has always been the bane of home and visiting teaching and now the ministering program.

If you’re having a hard time remembering to minister, I suggest you create reminders for yourself to keep them in your prayers and keep reaching out. After a while, you’ll probably find that you don’t even need the reminders anymore because those you minister to will just be a natural part of your life—your friends. And most people don’t need reminders to remember their friends. As for finding the time to minister, it’s true—it takes time. But like anything in the gospel, you’ll be blessed for doing it. I know that God will bless you in every other sphere of your life if you’ll make the time to minister to His children.

We don’t know what to do

Another reason we don’t minister is because we feel like we don’t know what to do. Something that helps me with this is the phrase “mysteries of God.” In the scriptures, we often read that the mysteries of God can be revealed to us. I used to think this meant deep gospel doctrine, like what we’re going to eat in heaven or things like that. But really, a mystery is anything you don’t know. It might be a mystery to you how you’re gonna get through school or provide for your family. It may be a mystery to you how to handle a difficult child. And in this case, it may be a mystery to you about how to get through to somebody you minister to.

Regarding this, there’s a wonderful promise found in Alma 26:22—“Yea, he that repenteth and exerciseth faith, and bringeth forth good works, and prayeth continually without ceasing—unto such it is given to know the mysteries of God; yea, unto such it shall be given to reveal things which never have been revealed; yea, and it shall be given unto such to bring thousands of souls to repentance, even as it has been given unto us to bring these our brethren to repentance.” I know that if we follow this counsel, God will bless us with personal revelation to know the needs of those we minister to and the ability to attend to those needs.

We’re afraid we’ll offend someone or do more harm than good

Another thing that stands in our way is the fear of giving offense or doing more harm than good. I have a quick story about this. When I was in college, there was a time when I felt like all my good intentions were being thwarted and just turning out really bad. It got to the point where I was actually scared of trying to help people. But then one day, when I was walking outside near the library, a guy had dropped a paper that started blowing away in the wind. I happened to be right in the path of the paper, so I stomped my foot down right on it, keeping it from blowing away. But in the few seconds it took for the guy to reach me and retrieve the paper, I started worrying and thought, “Oh no! What if this is some super important paper, and now I’ve ruined it by stepping on it with my dirty shoe?!” And right as the guy was reaching down to get it, I lifted my foot up because of my fears, and the paper again blew away in the wind. I watched as this poor guy chased it all across the courtyard, and I didn’t even see if he caught it or not.

I realized then that that’s what happens when we worry about how our service will be received: great opportunities just fly away from us. Please try not to let this happen. And trust me—if your heart is in the right place, you will do so much more good than harm.

We think the person has everything under control

Lastly, we might just think that the people we minister to have everything under control and that there’s nothing you need to do. You might look at some people, maybe ward or stake leaders or just the “spiritual giants” in your life, and think that they’re just amazing at everything and that their lives are perfect. Please… never think this. Nobody has everything under control. And if they do, it’s just for like 5 seconds, which is just long enough for them to take a picture and put it on Facebook.

I’ll give you an example of this. During my pregnancy, and a little bit after, I suffered from serious depression for the first time in my life. Very few people knew about it, and I got really good at putting on a mask that made it seem like everything was fine with me. But it wasn’t—it was horrible. There were probably a lot of people who looked at me and thought that everything was great. But I’m grateful for the people that didn’t assume that, the people who reached out and offered love, help, and much-needed friendship.

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How can children and youth get involved in ministering?

The last thing I want to talk about is how children and youth can get involved in ministering. As the Primary president, I get to see firsthand the goodness of children—the goodness of your children. One thing I love about kids is their willingness to serve. My two-year-old, Katya, absolutely loves to “help” around the house, like putting dishes away or even taking Sophia’s dirty diapers to the trash can. The other day she even “helped” wrap the vacuum cord back onto the side of the vacuum, and it looked like a total disaster (though a very cute disaster). Anyway, the point is—take advantage of that attribute while they’re young. Ministering ultimately starts in the home. Teach your children how to minister, point out when they’re ministering and express appreciation toward them, and help them feel and recognize the joy that comes from ministering. There are so many opportunities at home to be aware of the needs of your family members and act to fulfill them.

When kids start school, that opens another door for ministering. Children can be on the lookout for other kids who seem lonely, left out, or bullied, and they can be kind to them. If they’re good at a certain subject, they can help others with it. Again, teach them to strive to be aware of others and act to help them.

Children and youth can also minister at church. They can reach out to kids who don’t come very often. They can sit next to someone who is lonely or new. They can do something kind for their teachers. I love the example of our Primary children when we do “Scripture Chase,” a kind of race to find a selected scripture reference. There are many times when I’ve seen that those who find it quickly often turn to their neighbors to help them do the same.

Perhaps the most natural way to get children and youth involved in ministering is to just take them with you when you minister. The other day, the Tessems came to our house with their whole family and gave us fresh vegetables and delicious zucchini bread. You can write letters to people as a family, bake something together and take it to someone, visit the elderly or others as a family, and so much more.

A few months ago, I saw a homeless man outside of Target, and since I had some spare time and some spare change, I decided to help him. Katya was with me, so I parked the car, we walked up to him together, and then I handed Katya four quarters, one at a time, which she in turn gave the homeless man. It was so touching. I did that because I want my daughter to know that helping is important, that it brings joy, and that everyone deserves our love. As we minister with our children, they can have a significant impact on others, they will learn from our example, and they will know firsthand the joy that comes from ministering.

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Conclusion

I’d like to conclude with a story that happened just yesterday. I was with Katya over at the park by the mall. While she was playing, this little red-headed boy—probably about 6 years old—decided that Katya was like his new best friend. It started out as he rocked up and down on the see-saw with her, and then he said, “Hey, do you want to go down the slide?” So they went over to another area, and he climbed up a rope ladder, turned around, and then helped Katya up, telling her things like, “Wow, you’re doing so good! You’re so strong!” and then lifted her up when she was near the top. Then they went down the slide together. After doing that a few times, he asked, “Do you want to go around the merry-go-round?” So he stopped the merry-go-round that had a few kids on it, helped Katya onto it, and then pushed it around.

This whole time, I was just sitting off to the side, smiling. I felt so much joy, and I felt tremendous gratitude for this boy who, for really no reason at all, took it upon himself to play with and take care of my little girl. And as I sat there, I realized, “This is exactly how Heavenly Father feels when we minister to one another.” He is filled with joy and gratitude toward us for taking care of His children. I hope that we will all strive to more fully minister to one another as we make our way through this mortal journey, and I know that we will be blessed for doing so.

Depression: Behind the Scenes

I've known about depression for a long time. I studied it in college, and I've had friends and family who have struggled it. But it wasn't until recently that I actually came to know depression, because it hit me too.

My Story

In August 2017, I became pregnant with my second child. For the first few months, the pregnancy progressed just like my first, with morning sickness that I learned to control with constant snacking. But after that, things started going haywire emotionally. What I thought were just typical pregnancy mood swings became more frequent and intense. Instead of being happy and pleasant like I usually am, I would cycle between being angry, sad, and emotionally numb. Instead of being resilient to setbacks, it seemed like even the littlest things could get me down.

I didn't write much in my journal during this time, but the few entries I did write are enlightening, like this one:

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Last Saturday was possibly the worst day I’ve ever had, certainly my worst day as a wife and a mother. I feel like there’s something broken, or breaking, inside of my brain sometimes.  Not all the time (I’m feeling okay at this very moment), but it happens, and it’s happening more and more often.  I feel tense and on edge, I’m quick to worry or blow up, and my mood swings are out of control. I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t know what to do about it.  I’m trying to turn to God, but this all is making me feel more distant from Him as if I can’t “get through” to Him when I need.

It took me a long time to realize that what I was feeling was depression (specifically antepartum depression). That realization was comforting in and of itself, because at least I knew what was going on! But unfortunately, discovering you have an illness doesn't magically cure it.

When I first told my doctor about my depression, he asked what I wanted to do about it. I was unsure and replied, "Maybe I'll just try the 'natural' ways to manage it." You know what I'm talking about -- exercising, getting enough sleep, eating well, getting lots of sunlight, using a light box, and so forth. I tried all those things, and they helped... a little. But it felt like throwing a bucket of water on a forest fire. I wanted to believe that I was strong enough to get over my depression by myself and these natural remedies, but I was wrong.

I considered taking medication, but I had so many concerns about finding the right kind, what the side effects would be, whether I would become dependent on it, etc. To make matters worse, I read things like, "Taking these medications when pregnant may cause problems X, Y, and Z in your baby." But then I also read things like, "Untreated depression during pregnancy can cause problems A, B, and C in your baby." And I thought, "Well that's just great... I can't win here."

I kept most of this to myself, or just between my husband and I, for a long time. I was afraid of people judging me or simply not understanding, and the depression/anxiety exacerbated those fears. When I finally did open up to others, it was first to those who I knew have struggled with the same thing. Slowly I developed the courage to tell others, and not surprisingly, they didn't respond with judgment or confusion but rather compassion and sympathy. And not even just sympathy, but many times empathy, because several of them have also had depression at some point in their life, and I didn't even know about it!

Through those conversations, my fears about taking medication dissipated. One person I talked to had also experienced antepartum depression, took an antidepressant that was highly effective and had no harmful side effects to herself or her baby, and later was able to get off of it just fine. I studied more about the medication (bupropion), prayed about it, and decided that's what I wanted to do. I called my doctor and he sent the prescription, and not a moment too soon. Because it worked.

It didn't take my depression away completely, but I noticed my depressive phases happening less and less often, with less intensity, and for shorter periods of time. I finally felt like myself again, and I wished I had started taking the medication months before. (It was February by this point, and everything had started back in October/November.) I finished my pregnancy with a lot of physical pain but not nearly as much emotional pain, and on April 9, I brought a beautiful, perfectly healthy baby into the world.

(By the way, this isn't to say that bupropion is a miracle drug that works for everyone. Medication affects different people in different ways, and from what I've heard, it can be a long and arduous journey to find the right medication when it comes to mental illness. And some people may not even need medication but rather therapy or other solutions.)

I'm currently in the postpartum phase, and I'm continuing to take the bupropion to combat postpartum depression. My plan is to taper off of them in a few months, and I hope things will finally go back to "normal" at that point.

Now that you know my story, I want to tell you about what depression is like for me.

What Depression is Like

I don't claim that these descriptions of depression fit everyone who has experienced it, but this is what it's like for me. If you've never had depression, this ought to give you some idea.

Positive and Negative

Imagine there's a part of your brain that's responsible for all your positive thoughts and feelings. It's what helps you be happy. It makes you hopeful for the future. It gives you the ability to see the silver lining even when things don't work out perfectly. It allows you to find great fulfillment from hobbies and relationships with loved ones. It cultivates love for self and others.

Now imagine there's a part of your brain that's responsible for all your negative thoughts and feelings. Anger, sorrow, impatience, shame, helplessness, hopelessness. Hatred. Fear. It can find the worst of any situation. It dwells on mistakes, causing you to ruminate on them. It's the voice telling you how stupid you are. It feeds on shame, making you feel like a mistake when you only made a mistake.

So you want to know what depression is like? It's like somebody flipped a switch in your brain and turned the positive part OFF, and then went to the negative part and put it into OVERDRIVE. And that is a horrible and frightening place to be.

Sink or Swim

Here's another analogy. Imagine you're on a small boat out in the ocean. You're enjoying the view, but occasionally a strung gust of wind or a storm knocks you out of the boat. This is rather unpleasant, but you quickly swim back to your boat, get in, and continue to enjoy the view. This is what a "bad day" is like in the life of someone without depression.

Now imagine again that you're on a small boat in the ocean. But this time, the boat has something wrong with it; it's damaged. Even a light breeze can cause you to topple over, or sometimes you fall out for seemingly no reason at all. But unlike the first scenario, this isn't just unpleasant, it's awful. Because you sink, and you sink far, and it feels like you're drowning. And when you finally manage to resurface and pull yourself back into the boat, you can hardly enjoy the view because you're so afraid of the next time you'll fall out, which is certainly going to be soon.

That is depression.

Not Depressed vs. Depressed

For those who don't do well with metaphors, here are a few specific things I've noticed about myself when not depressed versus depressed:

When I’m not depressed	When I’m depressed
I’m happy, kind, and excited about life	I’m angry, sad, irritable, and pessimistic
There are a ton of things that I enjoy doing, and I fill my day with them	I literally don’t want to do anything
I like to spend time with the people I love	I distance myself from the people I love, partly because I’m afraid I’ll say or do something hurtful
I have a very high tolerance for handling stress	Even the littlest thing—a simple mistake, an unkind word or disapproving glance, an unexpected setback—can cause me to emotionally plummet
Even when things aren’t working out, I can find something to look forward to in the future	I desperately search for something to look forward to—in a few hours, days, months, or even years—and come up empty
When faced with disappointment, I can find something positive about the situation	When faced with disappointment, I consider the whole thing (and myself) a failure and just want to give up
I like myself and understand my worth	I despise myself for real and perceived failures and talk to myself with words like “stupid” and “idiot”
I feel close to God when I pray, almost as if conversing with Him face to face	When I pray, it feels like there’s a barrier between God and I—sometimes just a curtain, sometimes a thick brick wall

I hope this helps somebody with depression to know they're not alone if they've felt anything similar. And I especially hope it helps people who have never experienced depression to understand what it's like. So when you hear about someone who has depression, hopefully you now have a clearer picture of what that actually means.

Takeaways

I've learned a lot through this struggle with depression. Here are some of the main things I've come away with:

• Most people who know me had no idea that I was going through all this. Since we usually don't know what others are going through, we should be kind, patient, and loving to everyone.
• If you are struggling with depression, know that you're not alone. However, you will likely feel that way until you open up to trusted friends and family who can offer you compassion and often empathy.
• If you're not struggling with depression, but someone comes to you who is, just know that it took a lot of courage for them to do so. Offer a nonjudgmental, listening ear, and brainstorm with them about how you could possibly help.
• Sometimes people think that depression is "all in your head." Well, what's actually in your head is your brain, which is a physical organ in your body. So when all else fails, don't be afraid to seek a physical solution to a physical problem.
• Lastly, don't take happiness for granted. It's easy to not pay much attention to the sun on a clear day. But when life is overcast and stormy, you become especially grateful for the small rays of sunlight that occasionally peek through the clouds. And I'm so grateful for all the people who have provided those rays of light through their love and kindness, even in seemingly small ways.

"We all take just ONE" - The Atonement of Jesus Christ

When I was in church today, it came time to partake of the sacrament. Holding my 17-month-old daughter Katya on my lap, I took a piece of bread as my husband passed me the tray and then I handed a piece to Katya. She happily ate it but started to fuss and cry as I passed the tray back, and I realized she was upset because she wanted more bread! I brought her outreached hand back down to her lap and gently told her, "Sorry sweetie. We all take just ONE."

My own words caught me by surprise as I pondered a very deep and significant lesson in them. We each take ONE. One person may be battling a pornography addiction and another may have just missed a morning prayer one day, and both of them just take one piece of bread and one little cup of water. You don't take two (or five, or ten) if you had a super bad week, and you don't take half if you felt you had a great week. You take one, every time.

Why is this? Because there's one Atonement of Jesus Christ, and its infinite. We all equally need it, and it equally covers all sins (except murder and denying the Holy Ghost). The type and quantity of our sins are all different, but anyone who sincerely repents can find forgiveness. As the Lord so beautifully states in Mosiah 26:30, "Yea, and as often as my people repent will I forgive them their trespasses against me."

The parable found in Matthew 20:1-15 teaches this principle well:

1 For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which went out early in the morning to hire labourers into his vineyard.
2 And when he had agreed with the labourers for a penny a day, he sent them into his vineyard.
3 And he went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace,
4 And said unto them; Go ye also into the vineyard, and whatsoever is right I will give you. And they went their way.
5 Again he went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise.
6 And about the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle, and saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle?
7 They say unto him, Because no man hath hired us. He saith unto them, Go ye also into the vineyard; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive.
8 So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard saith unto his steward, Call the labourers, and give them theirhire, beginning from the last unto the first.
9 And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every man a penny.
10 But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and they likewise received every man a penny.
11 And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house,
12 Saying, These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day.
13 But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny?
14 Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee.
15 Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good?

Whether they labored 12 hours or 1 hour, they each received one penny. And though a penny may seem like nothing, the Atonement is everything, and every single one of us can access it.

The three main lessons I took away from this experience were these:

1. Don't judge others. They can find forgiveness of their sins just as I hope to find forgiveness of mine, no matter what they are. We are all totally (and equally) lost without the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
2. Don't judge myself. When I sin and make mistakes, I tend to want "run faster than I have strength" (Mosiah 4:27) in trying to make up for them. In other words, I symbolically try to eat the whole sacrament tray! Instead, after I've done "all [I] could do" (Alma 24:11) in repenting, I just need to accept the saving grace of Jesus Christ and move on with my life, striving to do good and to be better.
3. I'm so grateful for Jesus Christ. Because He lets us take "one." Because, even though He was perfect, He suffered and died for all who are imperfect so that we can be perfected. I know through the Holy Ghost that He is my Savior, and I am so grateful for the forgiveness, peace, and hope that I find in Him.