Alma 60-61 - Not Taking Offense

There are two important lessons I've learned from Alma 60 and 61. The lesson I'll write about in this post is the idea of not taking offense. To quickly summarize the story and lesson, here are the words of Elder Bednar from his talk, "And Nothing Shall Offend Them":

During a perilous period of war, an exchange of letters occurred between Moroni, the captain of the Nephite armies, and Pahoran, the chief judge and governor of the land. Moroni, whose army was suffering because of inadequate support from the government, wrote to Pahoran “by the way of condemnation” (Alma 60:2) and harshly accused him of thoughtlessness, slothfulness, and neglect. Pahoran might easily have resented Moroni and his message, but he chose not to take offense. Pahoran responded compassionately and described a rebellion against the government about which Moroni was not aware. And then he responded, “Behold, I say unto you, Moroni, that I do not joy in your great afflictions, yea, it grieves my soul. … And now, in your epistle you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart” (Alma 61:2, 9).

One of the greatest indicators of our own spiritual maturity is revealed in how we respond to the weaknesses, the inexperience, and the potentially offensive actions of others. A thing, an event, or an expression may be offensive, but you and I can choose not to be offended—and to say with Pahoran, “it mattereth not.”

The thing I love about Pahoran is his ability to put the words of Moroni through a kind of "intention filter." Instead of focusing on what Moroni actually said, which included terms like "thoughtless stupor" and a threat to come after him and smite him with the sword, Pahoran focused on what Moroni meant. This is evident in Alma 61:9 and Alma 61:19-20 when he says, "I rejoice in the greatness of your heart" and "I do joy in receiving your epistle, for I was somewhat worried concerning what we should do." Yes, Moroni threw accusations and condemnation at Pahoran, but he was motivated by love, righteousness, and a deep concern for the welfare of his people, and that is what Pahoran chose to focus on and even learn from. He also took into account the fact that Moroni's response was due to his lack of information, and so instead of giving an emotional response ("How dare you criticize me when I'm not even at fault here?!"), Pahoran chose to simply and calmly make Moroni aware of the troubling situation he was in.

How often in our relationships (especially within our families) do we run across similar situations? Are we or others sometimes motivated by good intentions but express it imperfectly, leading to offense? Next time your spouse or friend or family member says or does something that offends you, take a moment to ask yourself, "Alright, that's what they said (or did), but what did they mean?" (In other words, take everything and sift it through the intention filter.) More often than not, you'll notice that deep down, motivations are usually good; we don't usually want to hurt or offend others. And then, like Pahoran, we can react to their positive intentions rather than their negative actions, and we can also calmly share our point of view, information that they (like Moroni) may have been completely unaware of. Perhaps the trick is not just to communicate in order to understand one another, but to over-communicate in order to not misunderstand each other.

It takes a lot of personal awareness and emotional self-control to not be offended by the mistakes and imperfect behavior of others, and it's certainly not something I'm perfect at, but I'm confident that by following Pahoran's example and choosing not to take offense, we will find much greater happiness in our personal and family lives.