Actually Doing Okay

Today I had one of the worst days with the kids that I've had in a long time. They woke up way too early and were a handful all day because of it. And there were several moments when I reacted poorly to them, losing my patience and yelling, which of course got me even more down.

But the most surprising thing to me is that, at the end of the day, I'm actually okay. Normally I feel like I would still be stewing over how horrible the kids are, how horrible I am, and how hard it is to be a mom. And I'd probably just be trying to escape those feelings.

But it's different today. It's like I can see things more clearly. I see that the kids didn't get enough sleep, and so they were (naturally) more cranky because they didn't feel as well. I see that because I didn't get as much sleep, and because I'm constantly dealing with pain, I was in a bad mood too. It doesn't excuse our behavior, but at least it adds a level of compassion, and that changes something.

I did some bad things today, like when I snapped and yelled at Katya so loudly that she was sobbing and my voice was hoarse. Or when I got so mad at Sophia for not eating her dinner that she ran away and hid in the corner of the room for several minutes. And I regret those moments so much.

But I also did a lot of good things today too. I sincerely apologized to Katya after yelling at her. When Sophia was distraught about something and wanted me during the time Vlad was watching them, I didn't ignore her–I opened my door, knelt down, and hugged her tight until she calmed down (which she quickly did). I read to the kids, not just before bed but also before dinner when I was so exhausted that I just wanted to rest. And I took them sledding, despite my hip/leg pain.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I admit to being an imperfect person, and I also admit to being a person striving to do my best and live well. I'm a whole person, and I was able to see and acknowledge that today, surely thanks to the Holy Ghost and His influence on me. Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I can receive forgiveness for the things I so regret from today, and I can continue to try to "clear away the bad according as the good shall grow," as Jacob in the Book of Mormon would put it (Jacob 5:66). And I'm so grateful for that.